Blather on Bicycling

In my consistent run of bunch riding in Canberra, I became a quick study in the morays of the bunch:

1. You must ride in bunches. If you are solo, you had better be: (a) riding to a bunch, (b) riding home or work from a bunch, (c) dropped from a bunch or (d) flatted or had some type of mechanical that has forced you from the bunch. Never admit to going on a solo ride either, or you will receive a look of confusion as if you have just admitted to masturbating.
2. Always ride 2-by-2 and be sure to engage in deep conversation with your partner.
3. When everyone sits up at the end, find a select clique of riders and follow them to their coffee shop.
4. In some cases, you may need to give or look for the signal for “coffee shop” to let people know where you are going. This sign is administered by making your hand to look like a teacup with little finger and thumb extended, raising it it up as if sipping from your thumb.
5. If you want to get in more K’s after the ride, roll up behind the guys who finished first at the final sprint or any guy in red, and follow them wherever they go. They will either: (a) ride on forever at a conversation pace, usually involving some crazy-scary bike path riding for a least a few of the K’s, (b) roll to a coffee shop and then ride extra K’s in the “a”, (c) whack 5+ climb intervals and then accomplish follow that with “b”.
6. When arriving at the coffee shop, never ever sit at separate tables from the guys you arrive with. This applies no matter how big the group. Feel free to re-arrange the entire coffee shop to make for a single long table, even if it stretches the length of the coffee shop.
7. If you order food at the coffee shop, make sure it is either two slices of giant bread, a pastry, or a giant dome of sourdough bread. Another approach is to simply ask for a muffin without specifying what flavor, even if the waitress tries to force a selection out of you. Act as if the food is fuel for more K’s.
8. At the coffee shop, always gossip about other riders who are not at the coffee shop.
9. If you have an iPhone, you must pull it out and look at or play with it in the coffee shop.
10. When drinking espresso, first savor the frothy top. This delectable substance is usually embellished with a leaf or heart and served with a spoon along with the teacup. Use the spoon to skip the froth from the top into your mouth, making sure to tongue every last piece of froth off of the spoon.
11. When passing slow rider that is not part of the bunch, signal frantically by waving your arm behind your back, preferably pointing your fingers as if you are signaling to the rider himself that he needs to get behind you and try joining the group.
12. At a predetermined place along the traditional route, unleash the hardest effort possible on that particular day. You may not know exactly where this location is, but after you pass it, it will be made painfully apparent to you.
13. No mercy is allowed for any reason. If you flat or have to stop at a light, you will have to try to rejoin by chasing like hell and there is a 100% chance you will not be able to go fast enough to rejoin even if you are with a group of strong men working together. You better hope that one of the few lights on the route actually stops the group so you can get a second chance.
14. While you may have a couple opportunities to take a shortcut and rejoin the group if you get dropped, you would just get dropped again but quicker, so you might as well go home and get yourself prepared to hang the next bunch ride.
15. Refer only to people by their nickname, never their real name.
16. Always make sure others know that you have done something extra on your bike, beyond the actual bunch. The selection of choice is usually hill repeats (e.g. blackies, red hills, stromlos), but boasting of a 150+ K ride is acceptable too.
17. When you are about ready to pop, make sure you are near the front–preferably having just bombed your turn and gapped the rider behind you–then sit up non-chalantly as if you have made a decision to stop riding because you accomplished your predefined training objective of the day. Above all, this cannot be done at the beginning of the ride. You must be strong enough to at least last until somewhere near the final big push, still within reach of easily rolling up to others before they get to the coffee shop.
18. It is generally permissible to wear a pro team kit, but it must always be the full kit and never a jersey only. You may want to exercise caution though, since your kit selection of the day may have you riding beside one or more riders in the same kit that are actually wearing their real team kit (e.g. High Road, Team Sky).
19. Your reputation with the boys is important, so don’t show up unless you are bringing your A game. When absent, somehow ensure that it is perceived that you are either at another race, preparing for another race, recovering from a race, or sleeping in because you are talented but lazy and you don’t need the bunch for training.
20. Always stop at stop lights, never slow down at “give way” signs or roundabouts.