Blather on Bicycling

Before the race I had done some recon and picked out the perfect spot.  I had some prior racing experience, but this would be my first run on a major mountain and I wanted to be ready. When the day arrived, I worked my way to my spot, and there I saw Dore warming up. This meant that even though I was a rookie, I had big-game talent in choosing the right position. When you encounter someone with as much experience on the European circuit as Dore, you bow down to learn from the master. I’ve been observing his performances at big races like the Giro, the Tour, and the Vuelta for quite a few years now. Judging by the fans’ reaction, I wasn’t the only one who admired his work. So, I turned and joined him in his warm-up.

As the critical moment approached, I lined up just up the road from Dore hoping to give him a good leadout for our big move. The tension built as the riders moved up the mountain. Then, one of the greatest moments in history unfolded as Jens came around the corner driving the pack. Over the last few years, Jens has elevated himself into the elite circle of my justice league featuring Rickey Henderson, Chuck Norris, and Pat Ewing.

Because Jens was at the front, my immediate concern was his safety. Rather than try to wedge between Dore and Jens, I yielded to Dore because of his seniority. If it would have been Lance at the front, I would have considered taking him out. Of course, I would risk being attacked by his gang of lawyers or none-other-than Lance himself shoving me into the snow like Live Clean so Horny could laugh at me (or is that a grimace). I probably wouldn’t have tangled with Mick Rogers because he had is jab ready, which he demonstrated a few yards farther up the road. I’ve also seen Floyd throw some good punches too. So that leaves me with the following choices that I would have relished taking down with me: Levi, Tyler, and a double-Schleck but. . .definitely not Jens.

As I veered out of Dore’s way, I saw an immediate opening in his draft. This put me on Jen’s left flank. I regained my composure and demonstrated once again my raw talent with my flailing arm gestures that were very Euro-fan-esque. This was accompanied by “Go Jens!” after “Go Jens!” screamed as loudly as I could. The crew and I had a good run going before we were boxed out by someone with a camera on a tripod (poor mountain top form).

With this run, I further established myself as a Forrest Gump of the sporting world. In my early years, I was getting flicks on TV at key sporting events involving Rickey. I was in the mob being interviewed on TV at a hanging in Walla Walla. Then I was in the locker-room tunnel of Madison Square Garden when Ewing and Jordan walked by me. I was there pushing aside a few small kids to give some dap to Rickey in Oakland. I was standing in the same spot in Vancouver as Chuck in Hitman. I was being interviewed with Lance at the 2005 Tour de Georgia. My 15 minutes of fame isn’t up yet, so keep scanning the background of important sporting events.

As I reviewed my performance on Palomar and looked at the game film quite a few times, I realized I did have room for improvement. One thing I learned from Dore is to focus on the camera motor bike and keep pace with it, not the riders. Another thing I learned is that I can get much closer to the riders. My spacing on TV was much wider than the Euro fans. Getting closer will afford more opportunity to tangle with the riders and give fodder to the poo-poo-on-USA-runners cycling fans. I won’t take up drinking though, so unfortunately the likelihood of me causing a problem aren’t as good as drunk Euro fan. I’ll definitely plan to make a run again sometime. In fact, my bro and I already have the spot picked out for an RV next year.

To see my performance in it’s native format, enjoy:

And to see my interview with Lance: