Blather on Bicycling

Earlier last week, you may have noticed how I employed a technique I call the “pre-excuse.” In this, you tell everyone a reason (or multiple reasons) why you will be performing poorly in a given event. Make sure you go around and tell as many people as possible or at least proclaim it loudly enough that anyone within earshot can hear you. If you are successful, you’ll have sold yourself short of what you actually know you can do. This leaves only room for improvement. Then, when you perform above expectation, people adore you.

The pre-excuse ordinarily should be used in conjunction with the post excuse when you don’t win. Even if you perform better than your pre-established low standards, you should always ensure an excuse is queued up in case someone (or everyone) beats you. Immediately after the event, verbally demote them by commenting about various conditions that affected your performance. This should be accompanied by a superficial complement, but always make sure they know a legitimate reason that you weren’t at 100%. Whatever you do, don’t concede that they were faster, because this simply is not the case. Make sure you have clearly inferred that if circumstances were better, you would have beat them. This ensures that they feel empty about their accomplishment, and you maintain the upper hand. Timing is important. Before they point to the horizon and say “scoreboard,” deliver one of these unquestionable excuses because they ALWAYS work: positioning (e.g. got blocked out), mechanical (e.g. softening tire), or prior sickness. Excuses that generally don’t work, but are worth a try, include work or family obligations affecting training.

Another status-preservation technique you may want to employ is called the “turtle.” In this, you avoid testing yourself except in situations where you are guaranteed to win, or at least beat the people you want to beat. It is even permissable to say you will be at an event and then use the aforementioned excuse techniques when you don’t shot.

By following these techniques, I’m convinced your reputation will be improved. While your ego may not inflate, at least public perception of you will. I’ve been studying these techniques first hand for the last few years and I think I’m now ready to put them into practice.